Journeys with Jaycan

My Memory

2010-10-07T00:05:00.001-05:00

Wow! What a year this has been? Or has it ? where did the time go? I still struggle to remember what I did last month or even last week, and I won’t fool myself into thinking that I will be super-human enough to remember what I did 6 months ago! I’m slowly morphing into my grandma, as I reluctantly accept reality that my once reliable brain power is not so “powerful” anymore and l forget things!!!
I forget things that I have no reason to forget! I knew that I was supposed to put gas in the car, it was a part of my plan for tomorrow; except that when tomorrow comes, I forget and the vicious amnesic cycle is thankfully interrupted by the red warning light on the dash board ! Am I supposed to fear the future or embrace it for the challenges it bring? I choose to do the latter, and I vow to cherish the moments as they happen and appreciate the memories if and when they make guest appearances.
So since the last time I blogged, I have been enjoying life. They say life is what you make it, but I say life is making the most of the opportunity you have been given to live!!! Live and live like its your last. I am so grateful for where I am and I know that even though I’m not where I would like to be, I am happy!!! I may forget things, but I am happy! I enjoy living, I enjoy life, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my job, I love life, I love the fact that I can freely tell others that I love them and mean it!!!
I hope I never forget how to love! I hope I never forget to tell the ones I love that I love them! I hope that one day others will know what it is to love someone so much that it seem surreal. I had the opportunity to see my bff a few weeks ago, and she epitomizes love like no other. I had not seen her in 6 years and all the emotions could only be summarized in one word L-O-V-E. Amazing . I am often reminded by another bff famous words “ I love you but God loves you more” and I’m thankful; I hope I never forget to be thankful , well at least not for another 50 years!!
Random thoughts as I give my thoughts an outlet. My brain is in overdrive tonight and I’m embracing the visit, with an aim to restoring the close relationship we once shared.

Blame the Media

2009-06-16T01:30:00.005-05:00

Why is the media so obsessed with death and dying? We all know it’s inevitable. Recently I had a pleasure of meeting one “young” lady who faced inevitable death, sooner rather than later and her family, instead of making the transition as comfortable as possible, created such an uproar which only exposed their denial, and transformed what should have been peaceful time for their relative into a rather confusing,embarrassing, frightening and selfish time.
Death is clearly not to be rushed or encouraged, it will happen, I believe in destiny, and whilst I don’t fear death , I fear knowing when where and how, I will meet my demise .
Why am I being so morbid? Blame the media, the world in which we live, the place where I work and the folks I interact with ever so often. Lately news of murder/ suicide have become the norm and it no longer elicit the OMG response, hence we have become immune to news of these victims/perpetrators especially when it involves innocent young lives, who aren’t even old enough to grasp the concept of life.

Today as I read an online local newspaper, I realize that the pandemic has reached my native island, and I’m not even discussing the Swine flu, that’s for another blog. I’m referring to a Jamaican mother 43, stabbing her 23 yr old son to death. I can never rationalize a mother, physically nurturing her fetus for 9 months, enduring or experiencing the pain/joys of birth, and 20 years later, whether provoked or unprovoked decides to end the life she carried.

Blame it on the media….. a mother in the US packs her 2 kids in the car, then drives to bridge and toss both her son and daughter over, unfortunately fatally for her son. Husbands/Fathers killing their wives and kids. Former Ex-President jumping to his death. Doctor and wife indicted on fraud charges found dead (suicide)……. As a result we assume the “newscasters personality”, trying to emotionally detach ourselves from reality, and instead become apathetic and robot like. I learnt yesterday that my friend’s mom died, and I’m yet to find the appropriate words to say to her. I fear that I have also become desensitized and maybe I too should blame it on the media.

When will we utilize our peripheral vision, instead of our tunneled black or white vision so evident in our everyday conversations? What happened to the rainbow after the rain? Where is the hope? Why all the gloom and doom, and friends giving up on life because of being hurt one time too many.

Contrary to what the media may portray, suicide/murder is never a resolution, and should not even be an option. I know people are hurting, I know friends/families have been major disappointments, but reach beyond the hurt and see the flicker of light. There is hope. Once heard of a patient who attempted suicide by swallowing “long-life” batteries.. not sure what to make of that one, but I’m sure he had a chuckle after the fact.
Are we willing to make a difference in our jobs/homes/lives and enjoy the domino effect or should we continue to blame it on the media?

Gratitude , Hope

2009-05-18T20:20:00.005-05:00

I watched Farrah’s Story on NBC on Friday night. I’m sure it was very personal for her to share her story with the world. She symbolizes Hope amidst despair. Hope for bad days that will come, and hope that good days are ahead. As I watched her battle and subsequent reaction to achievements or setbacks, I knew that whatever was happening in my immediate environs would work itself out.

I survived my weekend and have lots to give thanks for. I’m grateful that I am the caregiver and it also made me realised that my inconveniences are like grains of sand compared to some people’s mountains.

Over the weekend, we spent 6 hours trying to save a man’s life: someone’s husband, dad, uncle, brother, cousin, son, grandpa. He fell 30 feet and is still in critical condition. Meanwhile his coworker 27 yrs old was airlifted out and will learn that he is paralyzed when he is conscious. How he reacts to this news will certainly influence the “quality” of the rest of his life. After the initial shock, will he choose to remain a victim, or thankful that he is alive and work within his limitations?. Last year I had the opportunity to hear a young lady, who was also a quad amputee speak at a conference, and I will always be reminded of her inspiring message. Quit complaining, accept reality, refuse pity parties and just accept that there will always be different situations in each of our lives, and its not because of things we did or didn’t do. Its called life!!!

On Sunday, we had a young couple on vacation and the husband is now a patient in the Critical Care unit. Now that sucks big time, but I also learnt a valuable lesson from his condition. His lack of attention to a seemingly miniscule mishap escalated to a major event with systemic involvement, which has a 65% chance of death, even with surgical intervention. How often in our lives “little” things happen, and rather than dealing with it right away, we allow it to mature and reach potentially poisonous status, effectively requiring more aggressive attention leading to possible “disability or death ” of that aspect of our lives. Just something to think about.

On another note, today we celebrated Discovery Day, so I was off on holiday, and I truly enjoyed my day. I did nothing, nada, zilch…. I should have done laundry, tidied my apt, put gas in my car, but instead I slept late, made lunch, slept some more, took a shower and now I’m watching Reba. She makes me laugh, even if I have seen the episodes before. I’m grateful for life, even with its ups and downs and I’m definitely looking forward to an awesome week.

My Week, My World

2009-05-14T23:21:00.005-05:00

This week grabbed my attention and emotions. I could not help but think about the movie “the gods must be crazy” not sure why, but I just had the feeling that I was on a journey to make wrong right, while not sure of why, how and what it is I had to do.

So Monday started like any other Monday, trying to shake myself out of the weekend mode into the show-up-and- get- paid mode, so cant remember much of anything except my supervisor was off sick for three days, so added responsibility which equates to emotional stress. Not sure when she will be returning to work and the current swine flu epidemic is not helping either. She sounded like a subdued alien when I spoke with her on the phone.

On Tuesday I had a busy day at work and on my way home to lunch, had to call my sister to ask about something, when she began to talk in whispers. I was hungry, so the last thing I wanted to hear was her whispers. Turns out that she had not gone to work , but was at the hospital with my other sister to visit my younger brother who had been brutally attacked, beaten and chopped by members of his community!!! Thankfully he did not require surgery, but hey just the thought of knowing he could have died, sent shivers through my body and fear/anxiety replaced my hunger.

Wednesday I truly earned every cent of my salary that I will receive this month end. I went to work early and was still there hours after my shift was supposed to end. It was chaotic to say the least. My brother is doing better and then I heard that I had 3 other cousins who were in the hospital, and an uncle who was recently sent home. I was tired , so had to reschedule my end of semester final exam. I just wanted to sleep, turn off my phones, my computer and sleep. I just wanted to get away from all the sensory inputs, and go in my world where everything is perfect, no assaults, no exams, no work, no bills. I wanted to find that place and stay there.

Thursday is connected to Friday, so there’s reason for celebration, except that I will be on call for the next 72 hours! My body ached all day, I felt like a grandma and probably looked like one as well. I just finished my final exams for the semester and I’m thinking of my reward, exclusive of a passing grade. On days like this I dream of long vacations, where I go sailing the high seas on exotic cruises for months at a time. I may not be able to afford it, but these delusions keep me sane in my world.

So tonight I heard that my brother was released and my uncle was re- admitted in the same hospital and on the same ward!!!! I was afraid to ask if it was the same bed. I don’t know what’s happening, but I cant embrace it, so I’m gonna sleep. Maybe when I wake up in the morning, it will be a dream. So until then, I’m gonna get horizontal and go in my own world.

P.S Friday : Woke up a little after midnight to extreme heat and humidity, my first reaction was the a/c is broken, but was faced with the harsh reality that I had inadvertently turned on the heat instead! What a way to start my weekend!

Virgin Blogger

2009-05-07T22:45:00.000-05:00

Are you one of those persons with list of "100 things to do before..." a specific time frame? I'm not guilty of making such weird plans, but in the back of my mind I know that there are certain things I would like to get done.It also means that I could get up one morning and do one of those things, because let's face it: who knows what the future holds for us, so while we wait on the future, let's live life with what we have - i.e today!!!

I've been encouraged to start a blog, and must admit that I've thought about it several times, but I didn't because it just wasn't the right time. We all have a built in mechanism to let us know when something is right, so at 1100pm on a weekday, when I have to be at work in 8 hours, I'm being initiated in the Blogger's world. Not because something happened, but just for da heck of it and because its my choice... I hate rituals, traditions and set expectations!!! I want to be me, I want to do things just because I want to!! so tonight I'm a blogger, just because I want to.

I'm looking forward to sharing learning, disagreeing and enjoying the blog world.